What Happened?

Last post, I asked ‘what happened?’

why did the meds stop working?

Well – the fast answer is a pretty strange one, but that morning, I made myself a smoothie.. which was fantastically tasty…

But contained oranges…

According to the ‘blogs’, fruit juice and specifically orange juice blocks the medication.



No one told me this was part of the deal….


Well.. the past week or so has been mostly a blur. Not sure if it’s the massive stress of moving offices to a new building, or just the insane amount of focus I now have… but it’s been all work, hiking and very little play.

So now, to bed.. but more to come….


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Changes – Secondary Results

Now for the bad:

Last night Boyfriend came over for dinner after crossfit. I was dead tired by 8:30… Instead of our usual wine drinking and silly talking, I felt like he wasn’t talkative, I didn’t drink very much wine, I didn’t have much of an appetite for the food I had made and I laid down in bed at 9pm, while he worked for the next few hours.

I had a terrible time falling asleep, I was in and out for about two hours before I finally went down for the count.

I woke up optimistic, got dressed and made a smoothie with fruit and spinach, drank a cup of coffee and left for work.

Work was stressful and my focus started to lag, I think this is because I was socially anxious, feeling like my coworkers were all angry and our positions feel a little perilous.

Now, at noon, I’m barely eating half of a beet salad (which an awesome coworker made for me), seeing spots occasionally out of the corner or my eyes and feeling beat and unmotivated.

What happened?

(also… daaaaaamn my bum hurts from that crossfitting)

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Changes – Preliminary Results

First of all, let me just say, having an enormous professional body builder stand in front of your with a stop watch as you climb up and down a tractor tire while he yells things like ‘SPREAD YOUR LEGS, YOU CAN DO THIS’ is one of those life experiences that you just shouldn’t take a rain-check on.

First work day with meds and first cross fit experience combined was like snorting a million pounds of cocaine and hanging out with a unicorn. Roughly.

I took the first dose in the morning (I had taken one the night before, so I knew I wouldn’t be gnawing on my desk chair or anything). It was awesome… aside from the drug side effects, which was euphoric and powerful focus (and a really dry mouth), I found that the benefits of actually being able to focus on one event at a time made me superbly happy. The drive to work was like a religious experience. Amphetime based drugs seem to encourage me to listen to music entirely too loud.

I found I was a little less socially anxious, I say a little only because I was keeping myself in check from becoming ‘coked up guy at the party hanging out by the toilet and telling you life theories’ – which was sort of how I was afraid I might feel.

My co-worker, in an act of solidarity, also took a (non-prescribed) dose of similar merit. We continuously Gchatted things to the effect of ‘HOW MUCH STUFF ARE YOU GETTING DONE? SO MUCH STUFF? LIKE THE MOST? YEAH ME TOO’

I tried to steer clear of coffee until I noticed a mild caffeine addiction headache kicking in, and then I tried to drink 1/3 of a cup… It didn’t seem to cause a negative reaction.

While I enjoy the medication… like… enjoy the medication… I do have to wonder if it might just be a little too fun. I’m an inherently manic person, which is typically kept in check by my generally dreamy and shy personality. Not sure if removing those characteristics will improve me as a human. Certainly it will improve my productivity, but, like I said, coked up toilet guy. He’s a menacing specter.

The only physical negative I noted was a very dry mouth and a loss of appetite. Considering my proclivity towards snacks and forgetting to hydrate, this might not be the worst ever. But if I find I don’t ever look forward to meals, a pretty excellent part of my life may have temporarily evaporated…

I changed after work into work out clothing, attempting to time my meds so I still had a little bit of that ‘go get ’em’ attitude lingering.

I am not a sporty person.

I don’t hate physical activity and I love hiking/biking/etc but I was never hog tied into playing sports as a kid and therefor never developed that particular social skill set of athletes. I mean, and also I’m awkward.

And I totally don’t own any neon colored sneakers. Do all Crossfit girls shop at the same place? The all have the same shorts too.

Still, aside from looking like a very stiff and underfed whale beaching myself on the ‘rolling’ pin thing, I really thoroughly enjoyed the first experience. And someday I will figure out what’s going on, and a large man will not have to yell encouraging things at me.

So, so far, the changes are not unfavorable.. but lord in heaven, I’m exhausted.

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Completely exhausted after my first dose of the new meds (Adderall) and a somewhat unexpected visit of a friend visiting from California.

Tomorrow is additionally my first day of CrossFit… going in an effort to up my daily physical activity. Not that I’m a lump (I’m a little lumpy, but still) but a more structured approach to exhausting my muscles might help with my anxiety and restlessness. On advice from my counselor (I think a daily bike ride might have been more her speed, but I’m perennially fascinated by the shiny unknown).

Lots of changes… hope it’s for the best…

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Holy (Moley)


Well.. it’s official…

I’m never focusing on one thing ever again…

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Putting My Face On

As I read more about AD(H)D, I’m seeing my own somewhat odd social interactions in a different light. Specifically, a brighter light. Like, the brightest light ever.

Yesterday, for example, I went to the pool by myself. I tend to actually do a lot of things by myself, the reasons being:

a. Most of the things I want to do are chosen impulsively. For example, I decided to go to the pool rather than go home and clean. They are often crammed between other obligations to avoid boredom.

b. I forget to invite people, a lot. And when I do invite them, I feel the weight of having whatever activity I chose to do be fun for them. It’s sometimes easier to just follow whatever stupid path my impulses send me on and soak in my surroundings without worrying if my associates are alright.

c. I have the constant feeling that if I don’t do a fun thing, I will forget that I thought of doing that fun thing, and I will die full of regret and with diabetes. Therefor, NOW I HAVE TO DO IT NOW NOT NEXT WEEK WHEN YOU CAN GO NOW


In situations where I do things like go to the pool alone for two and a half hours, eat grapes and hard boiled eggs (I no longer eat bread, so I don’t get to enjoy the normal person sandwich) and do backflips by myself in the water…. I worry that I come off as a weirdo

I’m real friendly – and I’m not so detached from human reactions to things that I seem like a caged animal that escaped somewhere – but I am tremendously awkward sometimes.


I’ve realized that the way I cope with this is ‘to be pretty’

My brain’s logic being that if I look like a pretty person, people will overlook my innate dorkines and awkwardness and assume that I am not a weirdo or, worse yet, and easy target.

I’m guessing that a lot of this came from high school – but for a woman, being somehow attractive or well put together can be as much a defense/shield as it can be an innate danger. Usually it is more beneficial than harmful.

It can also serve as something to hide behind for a person who has spent their whole life, thanks to AD(H)D, wondering if they might be the weirdest ever.



This picture was taken after a kayak camping trip, at around 7 am. This is the definition of ‘me without makeup’

If you saw this person wandering around the pool by themselves, would you worry that they were ‘okay’, that they were terminally lonely, that they were going to gnaw on your child’s hair when you weren’t looking?


This person is probably safe. She is dressed like a person who knows what clothing is.She is probably tired from all the high powered business that she conducts, or maybe she is waiting for her handsome husband to meet her.


Of course there is a level of dressiness that overshoots the goal of hiding….


After to the Max: 

Taken after professional makeup for a video shoot

This person may be a lonely alcoholic, or perhaps a transvestite. She is very tall.


Now I know that a lot of this is in my head. I am a messy person, another hallmark of AD(H)D – and in my head I think ‘well my car is a disaster, my desk at work is scattered, my apartment is constantly on the ledge before falling into disorder, I can’t remember to brush my teeth every morning…. but as long as I do not adopt one or more cats, I keep a constant gum supply in my purse, and I look ‘pretty’ – no one with think I’m useless or insane and discount me as a functional human being.”

But when it gets to the point where I discount myself because I didn’t have time to curl my own hair in the morning, it starts to become an issue….

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Things I looked up while on a 6 hour car ride this weekend:

1. Where is the best pedicure in _________, PA

I was curious. Couldn’t stop looking at my toes anyhow.

2. Gifts for programmers

….which lead to….

3. USB Coffee Warmer

   This is such a dumb idea…

that I want. This is a dumb idea that I want.

4. Missing Glacier National Park Hiker


I went to Glacier this past year, and it’s still near and dear to my heart. I’ve been tracking this missing hiker news since yesterday.

Sad stuff. You just can’t safely hike alone out there.

Glacier is Pretty. And Scary as Fuck.

5. What is ‘knuckle cracking’

I’ve wondered about this my whole life. If you’re curious:

Joints are the meeting points of two separate bones, held together and in place by connective tissues and ligaments. All of the joints in our bodies are surrounded by synovial fluid, a thick, clear liquid. When you stretch or bend your finger to pop the knuckle, you’re causing the bones of the joint to pull apart. As they do, the connective tissue capsule that surrounds the joint is stretched. By stretching this capsule, you increase its volume. And as we know from chemistry class, with an increase in volume comes a decrease in pressure. So as the pressure of the synovial fluid drops, gases dissolved in the fluid become less soluble, forming bubbles through a process called cavitation. When the joint is stretched far enough, the pressure in the capsule drops so low that these bubbles burst, producing the pop that we associate with knuckle cracking.

It takes about 25 to 30 minutes for the gas to redissolve into the joint fluid. During this period of time, your knuckles won’t crack. Once the gas is redissolved, cavitation is once again possible, and you can start popping your knuckles again.


6. Why do legs fall asleep?

While I’m solving the world’s mysteries…

When you apply this pressure for a prolonged period of time, you actually cut off communication from your brain to parts of your body. The pressure squeezes nerve pathways so that the nerves can’t transmit electrochemical impulses properly. Nerve impulses carry sensation information from nerve endings in the body to the brain, as well as instructions from the brain to the parts of the body. When you interfere with this transfer by squeezing the nerve pathways, you don’t have full feeling in that body part, and your brain has trouble telling the body part what to do.

This pressure can also squeeze arteries, stopping them from carrying nutrients to body cells. Without these nutrients, the nerve cells may behave abnormally, which can further interfere with communicating bodily sensations.

Due to both these factors, the information transmitted from the body part becomes somewhat jumbled, and the brain receives strange messages. Some nerve cells don’t transmit any information and others start sending impulses erratically. This causes you to feel a strange tingling sensation, which actually serves an important function. Your foot falling asleep for 10 minutes doesn’t pose any health threat, but if you were to cut off circulation for an extended period of time — several hours — you could suffer serious nerve damage. The initial tingling sensation tells you that you might want to readjust your position.


7. Chubbies Shorts


It’s not good, not good.


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